Neil's Journal

neil99099 @ 2006-06-13T07:32:00

2006-06-13T11:32:51Z

Yet again I got another incise on my pills to keep my depression under control. Still today I have a hard time opening up fully to the people that’s trying to help me out and I now try to stay quite about it when im with friends… It’s a hard fight. People say that I can get better and win the fight. I don’t know, it does not fell that way to me as it fells like it will stay on me for the rest of my life.
I am spending less time on massager because I don’t want to end up hurting my buddy’s like what I did in the past due of my depression. Like if they take a long time to reply or when I pop online a person puts a busy mark on like it was meant for me….
I kinda think this is funny that I can talk about all this in this journal but have a hard time talking to my doc about this… but yet I think the time that I am ready to talk, no one is around. I don’t want to talk to my friends about it anymore as I don’t want to lose there friend ship. With some I am trying to repair the friendship.

Thanks for reading
Neil

neil99099 @ 2006-03-12T05:59:00

2006-03-12T11:00:13Z

I did the orientation this week, Mon, Tuesday and Thursday
On Monday I did some tests that rank my depression and I got this on Tuesday.
1. Fear of abandonment
Involves the concerns that others will leave you stop offering emotion support. Your concern may be based on your fear that they are unreliable, they will die, they may find someone better then you. Or may discover your faults.
2. Difficulty trusting others
The Expectation that others will betray your trust (including hurt, abuse, humiliation, cheating lying, manipulation or taking advantage). This usually involves the perception that the harm is intentional, and may include the sense that you will always end up being cheated or “getting the short end of the stick.”
3. Social Isolation
The feeling that you are isolated from the rest of the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any group or community
4. Disappointment in your accomplishments
The belief that you have failed, are going to fail or your level of achievement (school, career, sports, etc.) is lower then your peers. This often involves beliefs that you are stupid, untalented, less successful then other, etc.

They are my key issues that I have right now…. But really I think there should be more points or that some of the saying in the points are not true in the list, as I am happy with some of the stuff that I do and I do have some good friends that I do trust very well.. But yet when I was in the group thing for getting ready for the 7 well things…. There were about 5 other people and when it was my turn to talk I kind of froze. But in time I did kind talk about my depression. Talking about the past and so on.
On Thursday was the last day for orientation, the day well the people that deals with this group thing talks about the new people that is coming in and they where worry about me that they seen that any time I had to talk I had to put in a lot of effort to talk about my depression and I was under a lot of stress to. So I’m not going to be doing this group thing after all..
The class this week took a lot out of me as I am so tired
The person that was looking after the group is looking for some other type of help for me, One on one, I will do anything that takes to end this depression its going to be hard but I hope one day I can get out of it.

Thanks for reading

Neil

A long post

2006-03-06T20:19:50Z

I’m still having up and downs.
Like if I try to talk to anyone online. I have a hard time as from the past I had a major break down… I think it was a year ago and as well in the past few months. Had a lot of S&*^ going on, from going thou hell at school, people pasting away one by one. Worrying about my brother, that was thanks to the street drags and he was taking its scene he was a teen to… his 30s. street drags Made him go crazy like him talking to him self, hitting him self saying the devil is talking to him. He was able to get the help later on but when he was starting to get better he ended his life. That really got me upset as I was close very close to my brother as lousing him was like lousing a part of me.
Today well the past few months my dads is not in the best of health, he is mostly in bed allay as he have a hard time getting up and down the stairs. As he does have bad back and neck injures and so does my mom. I guess my dad has it worse. My grandma has a feeding tube in her and she is mostly in bed has her spin is cracked. If she moves the wrong way she will get major pain…

Also around that time line, I was starting to get better and I got someone out a blue really brought me down BADLY as going thou all this mayhem, turning around out a blue as I did not talk to that person that much about the depression. He end up saying verey hurt full things to me. Then that made me go back down in my little hole and I got very scared, and I have talked to people about it and I think I had a few trying to help me out, sticking up for me and… yea more and more crap went on.

Out of anger I turn on someone…. Ending the friend ship for no reason just mad about myself and the way my mind was then EVEYONE was agents me and I trust know one… just went deeper inside the hole and I just go deeper in the dark… As I am my own worst enemy and I think when I go down I want to stay down and never go back up as the pain was intents….

It is still intents today but I had a few good online buddy’s trying to pull me out of the deep hole, as I was about to end my life! And the people I was talking to then…. Are really good friends. They listen to me all the time and giving me a lot of support even thou they could of waked away from me they never been with me all the way. There the best!!!

I am seeing a doc for the depression right now as im on 2 types of pills one that I take at the day is called Effexor XR 75mg. The one that I take at night to help me to get a good night sleep is called Remeron RD 45mg. they seam to be helping me as I am more relax.
I sleep most of the day and I don’t like that much but I need the sleep have not been sleeping good for a past few years

Oh and the person that I end the friend ship with. We are back being friends…. Doing some chats from time to time. Just glad I got the relationship back!

Right now I’m in this group thing that last for 9 weeks, the first week is telling you about the program… the 2nd week is doing some tests to see how bad my depression and anxiety. Then tires a long 7 week, Monday to Friday teach me how to deal with my depression and stuff so I can be happy in life, Getting a job… improving my education and so on…….

So to this day ill try to post in my journal more often so I don’t need to type this long post!

Thanks for reading
Neil
Ps. Almost forgot. Right now I feel good, still have the little down times but its not as bad I have best friends to thank being by my side thou all this…. Thank you thank you!!!

With out you all I would be died by know, thanks for being there for me and Ill do the same for you if your felling blue… You have my word!^.^

neil99099 @ 2005-10-11T22:56:00

2005-10-12T03:24:31Z

Thanks again for the support, and also to thous i Am sorry what i have doun in the past, to thous who i have hurt online making myself a moster. thats Why i have been staying out of chat rooms and messager... Like when online, my mind wonders. Bad thoughts go thou my head...
Depression,is Evil, I got to get rid of it so Insted sitting on my ass 24/7 doing nothing about it. I should. I should try and do better in my life.Improve,my eduction and get a job and so much more....
The people that knows me and the ones that i have hurt should know that im doing the best I can right now. taking little steps at a time. Get my self better!!! I WHONT LET YOU DOWN!!!!!!
Thats all i have to say tonight.
Thanks for reading.

Neil

just a little post

2005-07-27T23:13:01Z

just a quck post,
eveything right now is going ok, I am more realx got a new game called World of warcraft that game is verey good, lodes of fun, been doing alot of thinking.. and yes so eveything is good right now

neil99099 @ 2005-06-23T22:13:00

2005-06-24T02:14:39Z

hi.. still getting over the lost of my brother and here are some links about him
http://search.msn.com/results.asp?FORM=sCPN&RS=CHECKED&un=doc&v=1&q=%22Rodney%20Dunn%22%20%221968%202005%22

http://shusterawards.com/story.asp?storyID=34

http://www.drawingboard.org/viewtopic.php?p=392260&sid=2ae5f6acf05224601ca9a0afc453351e

oh boy more sad stuff....

2005-06-06T15:09:03Z

Hello eveyone,
Yep im still around life is going ok…. Still going up and down. Thinking a lot on what I should do in life as I am moving on, but today I got up to very bad news as a cop was talking to my parents. I went downstairs ask what was going on, why was a cop here, and I found out there… my brother had killed himself……. Oh boy….
Well to let you all know I will never take that path what my brother took! I WILL NEVER TAKE THAT PATH and I promos you all that
Well I got to end this log so bye for now ill try to keep this place up-to-date

neil99099 @ 2005-04-11T01:20:00

2005-04-11T05:22:03Z

Holly hell what a ride… and its still going as I don’t think it will stop *screams* Yea stuff happing out the blue getting me very upset, trying to under stand everything that has been going on. As people are piss off with me or that they don’t what to talk to me. Like I rarely don’t get it at all. This…, This Is rely tearing me apart inside it is like I have lost the will to live. Yea been thinking of ending life… But yet I’m still here crying, thinking nonstop as im making myself sick, as I have notices stuff as been going on like I cues this Unknown pain. to the 2 good.. no… very good friends. Like what the hell……

Yea, I have been thinking for a long time on what that could be as It’s could have been form my depression that I am fighting. As I have been talking to all my friends and even here I have talked about it, as I guess the more I talk about it the more I will get upset then I won’t think before I say. I have look at the past logs of chats form start to end, stayed up long long time reading over 356+ logs…… Yea that’s a lot as I do talk a lot online, meet good people. But I have look at all the logs closely see if their was some way some how give me an better idea on what others have been talking about as I did not see anything, wong, Only bad typos I have done….

Yea I… Just have to try to move on in life, as this past few months was like hell for me as it is still going on. As I am trying my best here to work everything out…..

the lost notes!

2005-03-15T01:50:37Z

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Well hmmm, the weeks fighting the depression….. Day after day, Week after week.. Seeing my friends going down to at the time which that did not help me at all, with all the fights I had all the snapping I did the past month. It felt like it was not going to stop. Like all the things I had flying around in my head, about my life, about my Family and my friends. Just made me lost it and go into a deep depression, I was even close of killing myself to but with all my friends trying to help me out and my own will power that I did not end my life. I thank for my friends who I have talked to about this and also I have did this post to let them haven an idea on how I am the way I am right now.

I have been fighting with depression over 11 years now that is with what happen as when I was a kid. Like I had a hard time hearing when I was little and that did not get found out until I was like 5 years old, but cuse of how long I did not hear right, that miss up with my spelling and even miss up with my learning . I am doing and trying my best to be the best as I can be as I have came a long way but still I have a bumpy rode to get thou.

I just hope that I have put it in the right words and that I hope you the reader will be able to understand on what I put down here today.

Thanks for taking your time reading this post!

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Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Yea Yea. i should not be all work up about it.. but I am... but.. what can i do... I can forgive but i will never forget! but.. at least i am happy with my new computer, and still very good friends that are online and out in the real world :)

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hello, I got myself a new computer! works pretty good i really like it! lots of fun, play new games... Yahoo! Oh and Yea im good, still here, chatting to people online, but one I am upset with right now as 5 days ago he was in a pissy mood and I was trying to help him out as what a friend does as he told me to get lost as he put me on block on MSN as i never heard from him again... I guss he is not a good friend now hey? why did i become friends with him anyways?... Oh well I will talk to him agan only if he said sorry to me as what he have done to me really hurt.
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Monday, January 24, 2005

Hmm that lump.. was nothing big at all just hard blood there inside my cheek so eveything will be ok! :)
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Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Oh yes im still alive ! :) my cheek is healing right now everything is ok as the are looking into what that lump no lumps was!

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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

well good new I have gotten bump up in the list so ill have at done at the 13th!
yep got the call hours ago and i forgot to post! :P
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Monday, January 10, 2005

to let eveyone no that on the 14 of this Mouth im going to be in the Hospital, what fun the same day as my b-day. Yea I got this lump on my right cheek that has to get removed so it wont do any damage on my face. so... if everything goes well i should be home at the same day!

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Friday, December 17, 2004

just a quick post, everything is ok now,, at this time im no longer depress , witch is a good thing, so i am backing being myself now! :) but, it does not mean that im goign to stay this way I may get hit agan. Like I am still fighing it and all but it has goun down so im more happy and stuff. I only hope that i can stay this way Deprishion can take allot out of you!
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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Still feeling a little down, and 3 days ago, I was talking to this person, a friend of mine who felt down and he told me about what happen, like i had to pull it out of him to get it. so he told me about what happen and i got mad, that i know 2 of them that are also my friends. So I went over and talk to them both. Just lets say that I snap at them for hurting my friend, so.. They try to talk to him but he did not what any part of it so.. (by the way all this happen in a chat) he just put them on block (yea love live is hard breaking someone's hart and break your own whale doing so.)**yep online love with 2 people, that broke apart leaving ah huge hole in there hearts ** so yea and now he is no longer an member of a site i was on, (yes im a furry loving person!) but yet tires still people hurting that im not that happy about, for some that know me, I don't like that at all, I like to see everyone happy, but it takes a major tole on my body and sloe trying to help them out as im dealing with my own problems is life.

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Saturday, December 11, 2004

The day with the depression, Yea what fun that is, well hmm I was really down with myself and I think I have push other away because of that.. Hm.. I hope I can see them online soon, or if your reading this now I'm truly sorry the way I have acted and i hope that I did not scar you off. Yes or now, I'm feeling allot better, back to my happy self, but yet I don't know when my next break down will be, It just comes and goes, and to top that with all what is going on right now in my life.

The late nights

2004-10-23T06:11:53Z

yea.. i have lots of late nights... talking to people online, doing some roleplays.... i don't know why i put my body thou this.. i know that you body needs allot of sleep, but lately, I have been going to bed late then getting up early in the morning... Some how, i still have allot of energy to service the day! Don't ask how i can do it, i just do!....
Anyways life is good, still trying to draw, i had a friend that told me that i have to read up on art book that shows you how to draw, im still looking at the book. and i hope some day... or maybe some year ill get good!

this is good to know! :)

2004-10-20T17:35:18Z

yea my days are good, having fun doing some role play on the net and so on! and i did this little thing all i had to do is to put my user name in this white box and click and that came up! :) You should try this to see what you get! ;)

hehe

2004-10-18T06:07:04Z

Hello, this is what has been happing from the last post today... Hmm, well still eating and sleeping, i have found a good muck site that deals with role play, like the site alot, a person name Kyroraz, is helping me to do a better job with what i say and do for the role play.... Like.... Neil waves has he sees someone coming, "hi are are ya!?...." Stuff like that! all good! ;) and last night I have a very good friend that is all the way from England!..he gave me some tips on how to draw and he even showed me to.. yes that's right... by using Open Canvas... It's like a paint program, but this one you can use it online! :),
i still need allot to learn ! but I think im allot better at acting then drawing!!! :P
Yea i love to act, i love to roleplay on the net! all good!, I like to have fun!

A day with no sleep!

2004-09-07T23:02:16Z

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night.. to many things are going thou my mind... it was one of thous night when you think you should done better with your life... Ahhh im not going to tell ya what it was about... I dont what to go into deep detiel.. dont what to get you the reader to get upset! ;) ya.. ill be ok!

nothing!...........

2004-09-03T14:40:32Z

Hello
a fine day today, got up at 5:00 am.. to go door to door putting flyer's in the mail box... all good, for good pay:).. anyways, im shire ill have a great day.. and i hope that you are to!
*hugs!*

Hello!

2004-08-30T21:25:29Z

yep, i came back, i for got all about this thing!
ah o well,